It’s hard enough to get a prospect to open your cold email, and even harder to get them to respond.
Which is why long, wordy emails are not your friend.
Even if your long email is packed with amazing benefits and tons of social proof, it’s going to feel overwhelming, causing your reader to hit “delete” before finishing the first sentence. As soon as your email becomes a burden to read, like the following email from Parley Pro, you’ve lost:
What’s wrong with this email
The best cold emails create interest with a short, easily readable, and highly persuasive piece of copy. Everything about your email should beam with the subliminal message, “I’m helpful and worth your time.” And that begins before you even start reading.
Let’s talk about why Parley Pro’s email does not give us the warm, fuzzy feeling of helpfulness we’re looking for:
- It’s too long and the blocks of text are too dense, which is an automatic turn-off to the recipient.
- The sentences are too wordy and jargony, which makes it difficult to read.
- The first sentence doesn’t hook the reader and sounds too much like a formal sales email.
- It’s too seller-centric, focusing more on product features than how it helps the prospect (high-level benefits).
- It lacks specific and persuasive social proof.
Unfortunately, even if this email did contain convincing social proof and powerful benefits, that information would be lost in the midst of overly complex sentences and dense blocks of text.
How to improve this email
By making your emails easy to read with short paragraphs and simple, conversational language, you’re actually better able to highlight value and convince your readers to hit “reply.”
In re-writing this email, I’d do the following:
- Shorten the whole email.
- Craft a one-sentence opening paragraph that hooks the reader and is easy to read.
- Focus on 1 or 2 high-level benefits instead of product features.
- Edit out jargon and write in a way that’s straightforward and conversational.
- Add specific social proof.
- Make the subject line more enticing.
- Remove links to improve email deliverability (links increase your chances of being marked as spam).
Like the subject line, the first sentence of your email is super important. I’m not a huge fan of Parley Pro’s “As a CEO” opener, because it feels too generic and disingenuine. It also doesn’t inspire me to keep reading. I’d prefer a first sentence that cuts through the fluff and speaks directly to a major pain-point or benefit, thus piquing my curiosity.
With that in mind, here’s how I’d rewrite this email:
“SUBJECT: slow contracts
Hi Heather,
I have an idea on how {!Company} can shorten its sales cycle using one simple contract negotiation hack.
[1-2 sentence customer-centric description of service, focusing on high-level benefits.]
[Short 1-2 sentence paragraph on how Parley Pro has helped clients better negotiate contracts and shorten their sales cycles. Use specific stats and examples.]
When do you have 15 minutes for a quick call?
Best regards,
[Name]”
This email is much more approachable due to its shorter length. The one-sentence opener is easy on the eyes and gently guides the reader into the rest of the copy. The overall tone is customer-centric, and the content is focused on high-level value (a shorter sales cycle) with social proof.
In general, one of the best ways to improve your cold emails is to ask yourself, “Would I read and respond this email if it landed in my inbox?”
Long, wordy emails are almost always a turn-off and can deter prospects who might very well find great value in your product or service.
Have bad cold emails in your inbox? Send them to us!
Help us fight the thoughtless spammers, one crappy cold email at a time by sending us the worst cold emails you’ve ever received.
We’ll put them up anonymously on the “Hall of Shame,” and shoot you an email when they go live.
Please send all submissions to “[email protected].”
(And feel free to suggest what you want to nominate the “bad cold email for!”)
