Why Zenefits’ Cold Emails Lose Their Prospects

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lose prospects

Are your cold email messages actively engaging your prospects, or just putting them to sleep?

Even awesome companies like Zenefits can improve their cold email copy. Recently many CEOs have forwarded me the cold emails Zenefits has been sending them, asking me to critique them in my next post. All the prospects who have received these cold emails from Zenefits have complained that they are too vague and incredibly dull.

This week’s cold email critique will be dedicated to helping Zenefits improve their cold email campaigns by making their messages more benefit-driven and relevant to their prospects.

Here’s the cold email Zenefits sent:

zenefits cold email critique

Mistake #1: Don’t Lose Prospects with Boring, Generic Cold Email Intros

“Hope 2015 has been treating you well! My CEO Parker just shot me a note to see if we could reconnect –  I know you were evaluating Zenefits last year and I just wanted to see if a quick chat would make sense.”

Your introduction’s goal is to hook prospects and keep them fully engaged in your message. Each sentence of your cold email should make your prospects want to keep reading. Boring intros like this one, do nothing to excite or intrigue prospects. When your prospects feel like there’s nothing in it for them on the other end of your email, they’re going to give up and hit the delete button.

If you want to warm up your prospects, you need to put them at ease. You need to convince them that reading and responding to your email is worth their time. Nothing turns off your prospects more than another crappy canned cold email message. Your prospects will be more open to your message if it has a conversational tone. Most people have their guard up against salesy or gimmicky marketing pitches, but you can lower their defenses by taking a more human tone that feels like a one-on-one message.

Cold Email Pro Tip #1: Everyone loves to have their ego stroked. Instead of starting your cold emails with a self-serving angle, compliment your prospects or ask them an intelligent question that speaks to their role/expertise. Taking an ounce of interest in what your prospects think, feel and care about goes a long ways toward getting more responses.

(For more tips on writing engaging cold email introductions, check out this post.)

Mistake #2: Turning Off Prospects With Self-Focused Messages

“Since we last spoke in 2014, we’ve hit some major milestones in our growth – We got recognized as the Hottest Startup of 2014 (Forbes article) and the fastest growing insurance brokerage in the nation.”

Your prospects don’t care about how many awards you’ve won or the number of milestones you’ve achieved. They only care about how your product can help improve their business or life.

No one likes a show off, so avoid talking too much about yourself or your company. Remember, it’s not about you; it’s about the customer. Your prospects want to see that you understand their business and the issues they face on a daily basis. Focusing on yourself comes across as obnoxious and disingenuous, which turns your prospects off completely.

Pro Tip #2: Give your prospects a message they can relate to. Put yourself in your prospects’ shoes, and think about who your ideal buyer persona is. Considering these questions before you begin your campaign will help you develop messages that speak directly to your prospects and their needs:

What are the buyer’s pain points?

How will this person benefit from my product or service?

How will they use they use my product?

Are there any objections this person might have to prevent them from responding or buying?

(For more tips on avoiding vanity in your cold emails, check out this post.)

Mistake #3: Overwhelming Your Prospects With Too Much Information

“In addition, we’ve released a wider portfolio of benefit services (401k, FSA, commuter, etc.) and have added a number of new features to our platform (PTO tracking, time&attendance, stock options, etc.).”

Everyone gets excited about new products and features, but focusing too heavily on these distracts from your core message. Don’t try to do too much with your cold emails. The longer your emails drag on, the more likely your prospects will become bored and give up.

Your prospects aren’t impressed by all the sleek new bells and whistles your product has to offer. They only want to know how your product is going to help make their lives easier. People don’t have time to read and wade their way through jargon. Don’t waste your time or the readers, and just focus each email on one short and sweet killer benefit. Remove all the other fluff – it doesn’t add value, and actually decreases your chance of getting a response.

Cold Email Pro Tip #3: If you’re relying on bullet points to get your point across, you’re doing it wrong. Resist the urge to list out all your product’s features. Just choose one feature/benefit and focus your entire message on that thing, and how it adds value.

You don’t have to go full-kimono and reveal everything on the first email. All you have to do is get them to respond; you can explain more on the phone after you get that “first date.”

Mistake #4: Show Your Prospects Your Value, Don’t Tell.

“I’d love to demonstrate how can help streamline your redundant processes, keep your company in Obamacare compliance and save your team a ton of time on administrative work. I know you’re busy now, especially with wrapping up the week, but would you be available to reconnect sometime this month?”

Your prospects’ inboxes are full of cold emails claiming to help save time and increase productivity. So, how can you make your cold emails stand out from the rest? Instead of telling your prospects how awesome your product is, prove it to them.

If I was reading this email from Zenefits and had no idea who they were, I would be skeptical of all the things they were promising. If I was their prospect, this is what I would think:

“Does this startup have any customers or results that show the value they’ve delivered to their customers? …I don’t know, but I’d be a lot more convinced of their value if I saw names and numbers…”

Col Email Pro Tip #4: Prove your worth by including some kind of social proof that demonstrates the benefit your product/service can deliver. Include a “mini case study sentence” that shows statistics that help quantify your value. Pointing to real results not only builds trust and credibility with your prospects, but also helps to ease their doubts, making it easier for your prospects to say yes.

Need more examples? Check out this post we did on crafting social proof sentences.

How to Create Enchanting Content with Moz’s Rand Fishkin

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how to create content

Recently I spoke with Rand Fishkin, the content king and founder of Moz, to pick his brains on content marketing, startups, and SEO.

In my interview with Rand, you can learn:

  • the best SEO strategy for startup founders
  • how to avoid common content marketing & SEO mistakes
  • how Rand tests his content and plans ideas for his own articles
  • why it’s crucial to think about content amplification early on
  • why incentives can make or break your content marketing plan
  • the most important lessons Rand learned as the founder of Moz

…and more! Watch the rest of the video here to get the full interview.

One Thing You Must Cut Out of Your Cold Emails

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cut your cold email

How long are your cold emails?

If you can’t answer this question in 3 seconds your emails are too long.

The average length of my cold email is 3 sentences long. Some of my most successful emails were only 2 sentences, and I rarely write emails with more than 5 sentences.

Today people have the attention span of gerbils and barely enough time to chug a shot of espresso, so you can’t expect prospects to read an email that resembles the length of marketing’s latest white paper. Because every sentence counts, it’s important to remove weak language whenever possible and consolidate words and phrases that aren’t helping you persuade the prospect to respond.

This cold email critique is the second piece of a two-part critique on this email submitted by a reader just like you:

cold email critique 3

How to Cut Redundancies from Your Emails: Avoid the Obvious

“ Obviously, getting signups for demos of [!COMPANY] is super important to your team. I made a personal video going over a few ideas on increasing demo signups with a/b testing. [link]“

If you want your emails to actually be read and your call to action to work, you need to make your emails as short as possible. Cut them to the bare essentials, and then cut some more.

Don’t tell your prospects what they already know. It weighs down your email and distracts from your core message. Yes, demos signups are important, but what the text of this email doesn’t say is a preview of “how this product/service will help increase your customers’ demo numbers.”

I somewhat like the fact that the sender included a personalized video, but you can’t assume that your prospects will actually click your link and watch your video to understand your main benefits. In fact, they are especially unlikely to click on your link if your email doesn’t offer them new interesting and valuable insights. Your cold email needs to give your prospect a quick preview of how you will solve their problems and benefit them. The video can reinforce this or go into deeper detail of your business, but you can’t exclude this from your email just because you include a video link.

How Much Value Should You Give Away In Your Email?

“ In the video, I go over a few ideas that you can implement right away with. I also explain a system I’ve created to help busy teams automate the process of getting fresh a/b tests live every month.

If you like the video and think this is something your team might be interested in, just shoot me a quick reply.”

I appreciate that the sender has designed a video that gives a few quick actionable nuggets specific to their prospect.  Giving away a small amount of value can help build rapport and credibility, and can be very effective with a laser-focused list of prospects.

However, there is a fine line between giving enough value to entice your prospects and giving away too much too soon. If this salesperson is getting high click rate on an embedded video with a low response rate, then they can assume that either:

  1. Their list is not targeted enough.
  2. The video is not interesting or enticing enough to their prospects.
  3. They’re giving too much value away without leaving enough allure for a call.
  4. All of the above.

Any video or article you add should only be treated as a teaser that will further pique your prospects’ interest and entice them to request a call.

While I can’t share the link to the actual video with you because this is anonymous, I can say that the video is too long (~4.5 minutes) and doesn’t have a lot of enthusiasm. Like the email, I would cut the video down and only mention a few main points that the prospect could use for improving their business.

In both cases the Call-to-Action needs to be improved.

The email’s last sentence is weak and passive. Instead it should say something like, “I have another idea that I think can double {!Company}’s conversion rate that worked well with {!Client}. When can we connect for a quick call so I can share this with you?”

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Stay tuned for next weeks’ cold email critique! We welcome your submissions for the “worst cold email,” but we’d also love to anonymously critique your cold emails. For submitting emails for critique or requesting cold email consultations for your business, please email haley (at) salesfolk (dot) com.

5 Reasons Why This B2B Cold Email Sucks & How to Fix It

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i hate bad cold emails

How many times have you received a cold email so terrible that you wanted to literally Laugh Out Loud or even cry?

In the business of cold email copywriting, I see them all the time.

Both from prospective clients and in my own Inbox.

And they either make me want to scream or laugh so hard that I have to run to the bathroom.

I usually save the really bad cold emails I receive in my Inbox and forward them to friends and colleagues with a few tips of what not to do. Other times if I’m feeling nice, I respond to the cold emailer with a few pieces of advice.

With all these terrible cold emails piling up in my Inbox, I’ve decided I’m going to go on a full crusade to fix this problem at its source, and start a weekly anonymous cold email critique.

Here’s my first one: (I hope you learn something so your emails don’t end up on here!)

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bad cold email #1

Cold Email Mistake #1: Losing Their Attention With a Weak Introduction Sentence

“I just wanted to briefly introduce you a  tech company that that you may not have heard of—COMPANY X.”

This is what I call “wimpy language.”

It doesn’t catch my attention or excite me at all.

No one wants to read through an apologetic or self-defeatist cold email, especially in the intro. Maybe I haven’t heard of your company, but that’s not what’s really important.

Tell me why your product is fantastic and how it will help me solve my problems early in your cold email.

Cold Email Mistake #2: Confusing Prospects with a Rambly Value Proposition

“COMPANY X will announce a new version tomorrow.  The full release and infographic are below.”

You should be able to explain your product and it’s value prop in one sentence.

NEVER ask the prospect to look “below,” especially in an email. Once you do that, you’ve just lost them. Your prospects don’t have the time or attention span to scroll through an essay about your product. (They had an awkward and wordy newsletter below that I won’t include because it gives away the emailer.)

Tell them what it is and how it will help me in as few words as possible.

Cold Email Mistake #3: Listing Boring Features Instead of Your Most Powerful Benefits

“With this new version, COMPANY X has created a feature that is unique in CRM technology. We call it 1-to-Many with Any. This clever engineering allows users to associate one FEATURE-FEATURE-FEATURE.”

Your prospects don’t want to hear all the ins and outs of your entire product. They want to know that you understand their pain points and have a solution for them. Product centric copy fails to target specific personas, decreasing the likelihood of a positive response.

Stop sending the same mass email to every persona on your list, and take some time to research the personas you plan on targeting. CEOs and VP of Sales have different concerns and your emails should be tailored to reflect their unique needs.

Cold Email Mistake #4: Lazy About Checking for Grammar or Spelling Errors

Same part of the email here, but different issue:

One of the many downsides to outsourcing your outbound emails to Odesk or foreign workers is the potential for grammatical and spelling mistakes. Whether you’re a native English speaker or not, have someone with a strong command of the English language proofread your cold emails before you send them out.

Having an extra pair of eyes makes a huge difference in catching grammatical errors.

And when it comes to cold email, how do you expect a C-level prospect to  trust you with their business goals if you have grammar or spelling mistakes?

Cold Email Mistake #5: Treating a Cold Email like a Gimmicky Marketing Email

“This means that users have context for today’s complex relationships. This “People First” approach is geared to the way business has evolved, with people moving from company to company and job to job.“

Bold or enlarged text is a lazy alternative to powerfully persuasive email copywriting.

Font gimmicks are dead giveaways that your cold email is a generic and mass-delivered.

Writing cold emails is not the same thing as writing the marketing copy for your drip campaigns.

While customizing mass emails may seem daunting at first, a few personalized touches will give  your copy a fighting chance for good open and response rates.

Keep your email copy short and conversational.

Don’t write long drawn out paragraphs that explain every detail about your company and all your product’s features. Remember, the goal of your outbound campaign is only to get prospects on the phone, not to close the deal.

Using jargon that adds no value like “people first” with bloated sentences that overcomplicate your copy and distract from your message aren’t helping you convert prospects into qualified leads.

Also, it would be more powerful and credible to demonstrate that you’re “people first,” instead of just stating this passively.

My Cold Email Advice to Help You Write Better Cold Emails

PRO TIP #1: Write your mass cold email template as if you were writing an email to a single person. Pick someone from your list and do some research on them to get ideas of what benefits you want to mention, etc.

PRO TIP #2: Be straightforward about your product and how it will help make your prospect’s life easier.

PRO TIP #3: Do add customized inserts like, {!First_Name} and {!Company} to give your emails a more personalized feeling.

PS: If you have some terrible cold emails sitting around in your inbox that you’d like to share with me to anonymously critique, please shoot an email to Haley (at) Salesfolk (dot) com.

(If you’re up for it, I’ll even give you a free critique of your own email on here anonymously!)

Be a goat, not a sheep!

We always strive to create captivating copy that is unique, actionable and adds value to prospects’ lives.

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